Coming back for the holidays from a school where every early morning, break, lunch break and afternoon is crammed with oppurtunities to be participating in activities, I just can't function properly whilst 'relaxing'; the same goes for many others out there who have been busy for most of their lives such as young carers, athletes, many actors or businesswo/men and even parents. I like to call this state of mind whereby the brain essentially shuts down 'unintentional attidtude breakdown'.
My initial symptom of UAB has been forgetting everything I've been meaning to do. Now, I'm the type of person that likes to get things done as well as perfected, as are most people who thrive on being busy. We don't forget things. I believe that if you are busy, you are constantly jogging your brain meaning you are more likely to remember tasks to do, work you've completed and potentially (students) things you've learned. But when you're lounging around, wasting away the day, you're brain is doing exactly the same, meaning you are forgetting things that need to be done or work needing completion.
The next symptom follows the first. It is the 'trance' stage. Because you're forgetting everything, you begin to think that nothing needs doing. This leads to more doing nothing. Which leads to more forgetting etc etc. You are in an invisible, pseudonym-vortex which is only spiralling downwards (or at least I am anyway). It is extremely demoralising at well as depressing and debilitating, and I've been suffering for most of the summer holidays. It's makes you not want to do anything except sit and watch American Horror Story all day. And that's pretty depressing, as good as the show is.
I've noticed I've been riding once this holiday, compared to twice a week on most holidays. I run once-twice a week, compared to every day. I practice music rarely, compared to most days. Visiting friends? Nah. Reading? Nah. 'But I love all this stuff!' I tell my brain. 'But do you really want to get dressed and put on all that gear, just to go out and feel self conscious? Of course you don't,' or It's too much effort...why bother?!' Replies my brain. Your brain bombards you with excuses not to do anything. You reply back but you're just not strong enough-you're too debilitated from the previous stages.
Many other symptoms swiflty follow such as the depression stage which I believe I've reached then there's the severe stress stage and ultimately the cycle continues into god knows what. I'm just concerned that it has affected me so that my attitude and personality has changed and sloped downhill slightly. I really don't want this to be true-if so, I could really struggle once I return to school. As you can see, this process moulds you into something helpless and soft. This is certainly the case for me. I feel like all I have now are my movies and writing. Like nothing matters...talent? Screw it. Do the same with family and friends. All I want is for all this to be over. Soon.
Emptiness and movies. Featuring shoes. This pic displays perfectly my current [hollow] state of mind. Sorry, unedited.
